Reasons Behind Giving A Child Up For Adoption

Photo:Royalty-free/Ivette Ferrero

Photo:Royalty-free/Ivette Ferrero

Here’s a guest post from Helen Philips, who counsels birth mothers about the issues involved in giving a baby up for adoption. As she says, it;s easy to be judgmental, but we can’t know what it’s like to need to make such a profound decision, and it shouldn’t be taken lightly.

The first story is difficult to read. Do you think the first little girl is better off with another family?

“We have a one and a half year old girl. She was a mistake to be honest. She wasn’t planned… We both have absolutely no love for her whatsoever. I can’t explain it…We are both career minded and she is just getting in the way. So we thought we should just give her away to someone who cares and would enjoy taking care of her,” states Jack Dalad. Ever wondered, what your reaction towards parents (like Dalad) giving a child up for adoption, would be like?

Is it Right to Judge Parents Giving a Child Up for Adoption?

According to a piece written by Stuart Duncan- it turns out, that like most others, we also might be rather judgmental and critical towards them!  “I saw this news story where a woman abandoned her 10 year old, severely Autistic son to a hospital. He was just left there to wander the halls. When they found him and talked to her, it turned out that she was bi-polar, unemployed, has 2 other children, going through a divorce and being evicted,” he narrates.  Duncan notes here, that- while the authorities did not press charges, parents on the other hand-“were pretty quick to pass judgment. Many stating “you just don’t leave your kids” and “our kids aren’t throw-aways.” Unfortunately, those giving a child up for adoption may often be looked at similarly!

Duncan however, is quick to question this behavior.  “The truth is … that not one of us has walked a mile in her shoes,” he states; adding: “… we don’t know how hard it really was for her, we don’t know for how long she struggled with this decision, who she talked to about it, what advice she was given, what her other choices were (or weren’t).”Counselors in the sphere, suggest that-a  mother or parent, giving a child up for adoption- also needs to be assessed individually, before being branded as an ‘indifferent’ and ‘uncaring’ individual!

Reasons for Giving Children Up for Adoption

Unknown to most of us, parents or mothers- giving a child up for adoption, have many reasons for doing so! These may range from emotional reasons to financial ones.“Birth parents or a single parent may place a baby up for adoption if they lack the financial means to raise a child and may not be aware of resources available to low-income families,” Livestrong.com informs. Likewise, if a woman “is in an abusive relationship or environment, she may not want her baby to experience the related hardships, particularly if she doesn’t receive support,” it states.

These apart, the website also cites-‘mental disability among either or both parents; expectant mothers not wanting to be single parents; lack of financial or moral support from the birth father’s side; teenage pregnancies; late pregnancies that affect career and lifestyle choices; and, cultural and religious beliefs, that disapprove having children out of wedlock;’ as the main causes for parents giving a child up for adoption.

Giving a Child Up for Adoption May Be in His / Her Best Interest

Flora Richards-Gustafson, from ‘Livestrong.com’ -uses information provided by different adoption agencies, to decipher the basic intent of a mother, giving a child up for adoption. “When a woman places her baby up for adoption, she isn’t making the choice to give up. Instead, she’s choosing a life for her child…The decision for a mother or birth parents to place a baby up for adoption isn’t always simple. Nevertheless, it is an act of love that put a child’s needs ahead of their own desires,” the article states.

In many unique situations, Duncan feels that giving a child up for adoption, may be in the best interest of the child! “Adoption agencies are there for a reason. You can judge a person for giving up their child but for some people, they just have to. They aren’t you. The child may very well be better off with someone else than with a parent that only pretends to be a good parent… someone that may end up hating that child enough to do harm,” he declares.

This article was written by Helen Philips an adoption specialist, who educates birth mothers on giving a child up for adoption.

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2 Responses to “Reasons Behind Giving A Child Up For Adoption”

  • I’m sorry, but this is AWEFUL article that only can continue to promote the age old stereotypes and adoption mythology that continues to hurt both mothers and children.

    First off, the sources are just not good. The Livestrong “article” is nothing more than a quick bit of adoption mythology and the author herself is highly biased. You should NOT be having a person who makes their living separating mothers and children for profit to be telling the stories of mothers. Birthmothers can speak for ourselves, thank you very much! Clearly, you might believe you know what goes in our hearts and minds, but you are so very incorrect!
    Adoption relinquishment is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

    If you are too young to parent: Know that you will not be this young forever, but even if you surrender your parental rights you will still be a mother forever. That piece of paper does nothing to change the way you will feel.

    If you are not ready to parent: You will get ready. Seriously. No one is ever ready to parent even if they have waited and planned; having a child freaks out everyone. This is normal. Whatever it is that you think is so much more important now will pale in comparison to the feeling you will have regarding your child. School, parties, fun- imagine looking your child in the eye and telling them that you gave them away because you couldn’t bother getting your act together.

    If you lack financial support: Ask for help. Go to social services, even if you think you are not eligible Most public assistance has special applications for pregnant women and children. DO NOT BE ASHAMED. A few years of assistance is much better than a life time separated from your child. Do not be swayed by promises of help from an adoption agency. They will help you, but they will take your baby as payment.

    If your child’s father is a pain: Your child’s father is libel for support: Legally. He has a right to know that his child is to be adopted. He has a right to parent his child. He is responsible for support. It will be worth fighting him for it.

    If you want your child to have a two parent household: Adoptive parents have the same divorce rate, rates of cancer, job loss, and death. There is NO guarantee that they will all live happily ever after. On the flip side, there is nothing that says that you can’t meet the man of your dreams in 6 months and he will love your child just as much as you do. Plus, it’s completely illogical for a child to lose one real mother to gain two strangers.
    Your Baby Needs YOU, Not Perfection

    Your child will be born knowing your voice, your smell and needing YOU; his or her mother. Mother child bonding happens pre-birth and sets up a model for the rest of the child’s life. Children do not care, especially at young ages, about brand name clothing, special diapers, or fancy toys. They want their mothers.

    Separating of a mother and child is painful to babies, even newborns. They might not have the ability to verbalize their pain, but it can cause damage. Some adoptees suffer what is called the Primal Wound. Many adopted children are colicky. Others adapt by being complete “content” which means they are in a survival mode. Adopted children are over represented in both the mental health field and the prison system. Many suffer from trust issues their entire lives. No matter what happy adoption story they are told, some will feel abandoned and rejected by you.

    Chances are, your child will be denied their civil rights to access their original identity.

    Adoption is Not The Answer to an Unplanned Pregnancy

    Research studies show that the long term consequences to relinquishment increase over time and continue to affect a birthmother, her subsequent parenting and her relationships.

    Birthmothers suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and long term unresolved grief.

    The rate of secondary infertility in women who have relinquished is 7 times higher than the general population.

    Open adoptions are NOT legally enforceable. It doesn’t matter what you all agree to now; once you sign the relinquishment consent, you have no rights and no say. Many “open adoptions” close when the child is about five due to the verbal communications that show a preference for their original mothers.

    The adoption industry is an almost 13 billion dollar a year business whose job is to transfer the parental rights of children form those without resources to those who can pay for the privilege. It’s legalized child trafficking.

    The rest of the world will not think that you are strong and selfless, they will think you are horrible person for getting pregnant and giving up your child.

    Please, next time you want to know WHY a birthmother does something, ASK A BIRTHMOTHER! We are not hard to find. just use Google!
    Claudia Corrigan D’Arcy recently posted..The Adoption Culture in the UK – Are Things Better Across the Pond?My Profile

  • Ditto everything Claudia said. From another mom of adoption loss

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