Do It YourSelf-Care DIY-Care for Marriage Therapy
”Positive feeling systems must be built and maintained intentionally (as part of couples therapy or marriage therapy)…” Gottman and Gottman, 2009)
As an LPC, every year, I pay for and attend many professional mental health trainings. A few years ago, I took one of my most informative and fav trainings, Level One and Two of John Gottman’s training on marriage therapy or couples therapy.
I love Dr. Gottman’s data about what makes a marriage last, as his ideas and methods are based on years of structured, observational research about married couples (not just opinions).
Over many years in his marriage lab, Dr. Gottman and his research assistants recorded, observed and carefully broke down people’s daily behaviors. He found that people who are successful in relationships have certain skills.
Some of those skills are:
- able to de-escalate conflicts
(Hey – you know, babe, I notice I’m getting really worked up here. I need a breather…I’ll come back in a half hour or so and we’ll talk, ok?)
- choose turning towards/supportive behaviors with their partner
(Hey – what a (stupid) funny joke, babe!)
- don’t make it a habit to conceal their feelings (ie, stonewall)
(Hey – Can we talk about something? I need to express my feelings, otherwise, they don’t build up…I I felt bad and put down the other day at the party…maybe you didn’t mean to do that, but I felt bad.)
- intentionally build up positive feelings
(Hey – let’s take a walk today in the park, look at the lake and the people and talk.)
That’s a picture where my husband and I took a walk in the park this weekend, Loantaka Brook Reservation, outside of Morristown, Morris County, New Jersey. Loantaka (pronounced lo-wa’-na-ka) is Lenni-Lenape for place of the cold winter (us northeasterners dig that cold stuff). The park has five miles of safe biking, hiking and horseback riding trails, is dog-friendly and is home to many interesting woodland critters! A nice activity to restore friendship and build up positive feelings!
Being a marriage therapist, I can cite all sorts of research about how couples can keep their relationship going. Dr. Gottman’s work is rich in solid naturalistic observations and straightforward skill acquistion. I listed a few books you might want to check out below.
Being married for 22 years, I can say from personal experience that doing your own personal healing is probably the best investment you can make in order to be part of long-term relationship. And also learning some relationship based skills. If you are angry and self-centered in ther first place, it is hard to understand what it is to turn towards, and use civility, respect and kindness on a daily basis.
It’s just another way to enhance your life = Do It Yourself-care or DIY-care for Relationships. Call it self-help, call it a mindbody practice, just another way to put more joy in your life and help you manage your emotions!
How do you keep your relationship strong? Let us know what types of things you do to keep up your marriage!
References
Gottman, J. & Gottman, J.S. (2009). Bridging the couples chasm. Distributed under license by the Gottman Institute.
Gottman, J. & Gottman, J.S. (2009). Assessment, intervention and co-morbidities. Distributed under license by the Gottman Institute.
Gottman, J., Gottman, J.S., & Declaire, J. (2007). Ten lessons to transform your marriage: America’s love lab experts share their strategies for strengthening your relationship. New York: Three Rivers Press.
Johnson, S. (2010). Hold me tight. Boston: Little, Brown & Company.

Kathy,
I’ve been together with my husband for 20 years and married for 14. We spend a lot of time talking. We’ve worked hard on managing frustrations with each other proactively and not going to bed angry. I also really like Dr. Gottman’s work. Those are suggestions I regularly make to couples that I work with (and to individuals who are in committed relationships). Thanks for the summary.
Warmly,
Ann
Ann Becker-Schutte recently posted..Growing is Scary
thanks Ann for the feedback. I love Gottman as it is very practical and really does wonders to provide a structure to help people in their relationships.
Kathy Morelli, LPC (@KathyAMorelli) recently posted..Do It YourSelf-Care DIY-Care for Marriage Therapy
I really like Dr. Gottman’s work, too, especially the research basis. Thank you, Kathy!
Rachelle Norman recently posted..Song Spotlight: “Yes, My Darling Daughter”
Hi Rachelle – thanks! Yes I really appreciate what he has done for couples therapy!
take care, Kathy
Kathy Morelli recently posted..Do It YourSelf-Care DIY-Care for Marriage Therapy
Reading those things, I came to realize that me and my hubby are on the right track. Those are the simple things that made our marriage very satisfying.
Janine recently posted..buy cheap scrubs
Hi Janine – Good for you, you naturally practice good relationship skills…did you grow up with a good model of these skills?
Nice summary, Kathy. Like Janine above, it helps me to realize that my partner and I are pretty good at those things. Thanks!
Hi Dawn – It’s great to have built up meaningful social skills that can be applied to your everyday relationship …good for you!
Kathy Morelli recently posted..Do It YourSelf-Care DIY-Care for Marriage Therapy
Communication is very important to us. We make it a point that we at least have a date night every or twice a week. I believe my husband and I have those skills, specially when dealing with conflicts.
Rita recently posted..bean bags for kids
Hi Rita – Nice to hear from so many people who have successfully used relationship skills….I hear from so many people in distress, that it’s uplifting to read these comments..
thanks, Kathy
His points, and yours, are so valid.
Sometimes I was great at de-escalating conflict and then there would be other times when I would get caught in “we have to work this out NOW” which actually escalated the conflict and caused it to expand to other topics. Not good.
Cherry Woodburn recently posted..Stop Pointing Fingers. Take Responsibility. Become The Person You Want To Be. And I Love You Amy Oscar
Great summary of Dr. Gottman’s body of work. I would love to attend a workshop of his.
I appreciate your last message of taking care of yourself and your issues as a vital part of couples work.
I attended a conference and the presenter drew a dartboard with a bullseye in the center. He stated that those couples who are quick to identify their partner’s distress and make a speedy resolution are the most contented couples.
Thanks for sharing :). The walk in the woods sounds lovely. It’s been really hot here in Southern Cali.
Linda Esposito (@TalkTherapyBiz) recently posted..Why Anxiety Is A Choice
Hi Kathy,
It is great the way Gottman can distill his work into clear behaviors and base it on research. My husband read a newspaper article on his work some years ago, and the take-home message for him was that marriages that last are those in which the husband says, “Yes, dear.” I hear this often, with irony. I think Gottman meant that it’s good for men to work on being flexible. It’s now an in-joke for us.
Thanks,
Carolyn
Carolyn Stone recently posted..Roller Coaster Emotions: Some Thoughts on How to Deal With Your Child’s Roller Coaster
Hi Carolyn – hahhah..that’s funny! I think Gottman means that partners need to accept influence from each other and often men are conditioned not to be flexible in relationships but to believe they need to maintain the stance they are authoritative, in other words always “right”.
Kathy Morelli recently posted..Do It YourSelf-Care DIY-Care for Marriage Therapy
Hi Kathy,
Great that you are sharing this now Kathy. I was just reading Gottman again and find that turning towards partner and willingness to be influenced big partner are great advice. Intentionally having positive experiences together build up the bank of positive feelings between partners. I like the emphasis on what I can do to influence my partner and my marriage in a positive direction.
irenesavarese recently posted..“One Plus One Is Greater Than Two” – Are You Ready To Do What You Need To Do To Save Your Marriage?
Hi Irene – thanks for the comments. Gottman is just amazing and his research has such depth! I was just re-reading the manual from the Level Two training and it is a treasure trove of information! I use abbreviated lists for my couples all the time and accepting influence and turning towards are such in -depth concepts…seems simple but many people lack these social skills.
Kathy Morelli recently posted..Do It YourSelf-Care DIY-Care for Marriage Therapy
Thank you for this post and for reminding us all of Dr Gottman’s work. It can be hard in a heated moment, but worth it in the end and for the health of your marriage to show kindness and articulate feelings in a respectful way.
Also I like the reminder about minding your own personal healing so that you can be a present and engaged partner.
Best, Allison
Allison Andrews recently posted..How Children Learn
Hi Allison – thanks for all the comments. I think Gottman’s structure is amazing, really helps to work with couples, the work is informed by solid research, and it is difficult to be in a relationship unless one does one’s own healing… take care, Kathy
Kathy Morelli recently posted..Do It YourSelf-Care DIY-Care for Marriage Therapy